the show was a success. Everything went like a dream. I think the pressure to perform in front of people really brought the best out of everyone. Liana was trying her best to not let anyone down (and of course she didn't). Shahab was thriving off the attention and his enthusiasm was both motivating and comforting. I knew that the show was going on. Shahab and I kept bumbing into each other. It was chaos. The validation of so many people giving positive feedback and the offer of another show really make me feel like this THE thing to be doing right now. Its weird. The inotation and looks from everyone really make me feel like we're next big thing. It was like they couldn't beleive that this was happening to them, that they were cool enough to behold such a spectacle. It was great. Just what I always wanted.

All about:
Kid Kevin's succinct (sp?) musical analogies, Snatch (watching it for third night in a row), Roomates who stay home (now Mouse sightings tonite)

Gradually things are becoming more normal. I am becoming more used to this new reality I have created for myself (or was that fate.) Action is the cure for anxiety and I know that tomorrow night I will be in the air. The money is there. I can't afford my textbooks but three lives will be spared/improved. It's a cold, jaded perspective that comes from utilitarian ethics (abondoning my Kantian tendancies for the while as I attempt to live with my own decisions and repercussions). Sometimes I think I think too much. Impossible to ignore, the challenges of the day weigh in heavily on my subconsicous. This keyboard on the free computers at school sucks..

Art supplies were bought. Total: $350. Holy fuck. Just about as much as I need. I charged the supplies and demanded reimbursment from Mom. Its lke a low interest cash advance. Rent is due. I have no idea what' s going on with that Hopefully $900 will mysteriously appear in my account. We'll see what happens.

I went to Ozzfest for the second time in 3 days yesterday. I got to go inside and backstage. All access motherfucker. I met some of the guys from System of a Down (took their pic with my magazine in their hands). Saw Kelly and Zak (?) Osbourne. That was sort of surreal to sit across from Kelly eating the free mexican food. Michael Blackson and I attempted to get a photo-op with POD who must have misread Michael's inverted cross and thought we were some of the few Christians there. But then when they saw what our mag was alla bout, they de clined to endource it. "You got inverted corsses and pentagrams and stuff. No man, my people would not be down for that They'd trip a little." Ha! Almost got them. We would have ran POD through the ringer with that photo. Fuking christian metal. Blech. SOAD are an incredible live band. I was totally blown away.

I got a photo pass as well as was able to get in the photo for everyone but Ozzy. I shot three rolls of some excellant live bands. I am super stoked to see how the SOAD shots came out. I am the coolest. When I was 17, I showed my first concert shots to a family friend who has a darkroom. He was super impressed by my "eye." Those shots were Ron of FInal Conflict...oh my, how I've grown. I wsa up there in the pit with the big boys. I had a sweet camera and everything.

Today I did my first "official" painting. I was so much fun. I'd been denying myself one of my favorite pleasures lately. No time for painting nowadays. SO those few hours with a canvas and brush were very nice. My teacher asked if I had painted before and I said that I had experiemnted a bunch and painted for design classes but never anything "official." She was super impressed I guess painting has become one of my skills/gifts. I can't wait to hone and refine those skills. Fuck this keyboard. I'm going to Togo's on Campus and then to Typography. .(I turn in my first graphic design project of my academic carreer today. So gald I got it done, sort of.that's a whole other story.)

I end this now for fear of writing Shaya-length blogs.

All about:
Rob Zombie, the funniest metal motherfucker ever; Zap and Roger; Dune by Herbert (my new book)

Day Two: Adjusting to the harsh truth which has been presented to me. Trying to do the right things, trying to do all that I can. I'm trying to set my priorities in order but I think the result is only pushing people away, making people hate me. I'm sorry. No this isn't convenient for anyone. I'm trying. How much sacrifice would make you happy? I can never give as much as you will, my friend. I'm sorry you get the raw end of this deal.

I fucked up. I made a mistake. What was I thinking? Was I? This is learning the lesson the hard way.

I want to be there.

All about:
Old friends who know when to give you shit, never being the same again, and treading water to stay afloat.

Wow. Just when I thought this year couldn't get anymore complicated another crisis is presented. I swear, if I didn't have troubles and complications I'd be so bored. (But for crying out loud, Karma Police, haven't I paid my dues this year!) Tough waters ahead, captain, should I batton down the hatches? The hatches are already shut tight, seaman, we just have to wait it out.

I hope and pray for the right words to say, the words that truly represent how I feel.
I don't really know how to deal with this new situation. Compassion and responsibility. Acceptance.
I just know I need to be there.
Its a shame parents really don't understand. It'd be nice to have someone to always count on, but when the line is crossed...no one wants to be disowned. My mom said once, "I'll be okay, just as long as you don't tell me you like boys." Well how's this one hit you, lady?

I can't believe it yet.

All about:
Laughing to hide the tears, self-medication, and really heavy music that I don't know the words to and won't want to listen to six months down the road when this time has become associated with said music.

Ahh. Back from practice. My fingers are appropriately sore and my belly is appropriately hunger. I know I should sleep very soon for moring will be here before I expect it.
Rob didn't show up to practice tonite. I fear the worst but am hopeful for just a plain "I forgot." We'll see I guess.
Off to snack and sleep.

All about:
T-Rex, Patrick's new hat, and wide-white-canvas belts

Day 3 of the new semester. Days that begin at 7:30am are far too long. I have not yet begun to fight.